Dr. Norm Cares

Ten Ways To Feed Your Child's Uncaring Child

1. Don't allow your child to feel emotional pain.
2. Wait until the child "grows out" of misbehavior
3. Ignore your child's temper tantrum.
4. Promise your child a special treat if he discontinues his temper outbursts
5. Whenever your child needs money or privilege, give him a special chore to accomplishes, and pay      him immediately.
6. Tell your child to stop misbehavior repeatedly
7. Don't set behavioral parameters regarding what behaviors are not permissible.
8. Strive for family equality.
9. Don't empower your child to make choices. Tell them what to do, when to do it and how to do it.
10. Don't risk disciplining your child for fear that he may run away, use drugs or take up with sleazy          characters.

Counseling Ideas for Parents of children with Bad Behavior's

I often wonder why many child therapists provide ongoing counseling with children who behave badly. Parents bring their misbehaving child to the therapist with hopes of “getting their child fixed.” The child presents with no symptoms that warrant treatment, but only those behaviors that annoy, challenge and invade the privacy of others space and reality.

Although many children who have maladaptive behavior’s, and present no symptoms, may get along well with their therapist. However, most do not change their dysfunctional behaviors in spite of “connecting” with their counselor.

It is my view, that most parents of difficult to raise children can relearn child rearing skills, without ongoing treatment. I would like to see this highly specialized treatment conducted via a distant learning venue.  Through audio or video conferencing, the parents and child can be evaluated, assessed through specialized evaluation tools, and be provided guidelines while being monitored during the week.

This venue can be accomplished without the parent’s every leaving their home.  With this model, think of the savings and enormous time-saved not having to travel. Not only can this be accomplished within the same community the patient and therapist live, it can be conducted world-wide. 

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Nature versus Nurture

I have often been asked about which is more important in child rearing, nature...or nurture. Although the answer is not a simple one, I theorize that the newly born infant as one with a genetic predisposition, or similar to a computer's mother board with pre-wiring. The pre-writing contains information about mood, temperament, hair and eye color, certain behavioral characteristics, etc...

 

Subsequent to the birth of the infant, he/she is a primitive and uncivilized bundle of incredible nuances that become the idealization of mankind (womankind as well). However, without proper formatting, like the computer’s mother board, the infant does not learn the ideas, goals, plans or purpose of a civilized modern society with all of its societal rules and regulations and conditions for what is expected by its inhabitants.

 

The above is only the tip of the iceberg of my many thoughts and ideas that continue to surface from my years of observation, experience and education.  I am continually searching for the source of the very nature of human behavior, especially why children behave so differently from each other regardless of being raised by the same parents.  With the concept of viewing infants and children as products of parental and societal formatting concurrently with the notion that all beings are pre-wired, the confusion becomes less perplexing.  

Teenage Crushes on Teachers

In my clinical opinion, many adolescent girls have crushes on teachers. The girls are especially vulnerable to those teachers who are younger than their parent and certainly a little older then they are. I call this attraction "prestigious attraction." The girl is enamored with their teacher whom they believe is smarter, and more worldly then their parents. They envision this person as the Messiah and the one who can somehow take them away from their dull and pointless life.

This relationship can be especially dangerous if the teacher has a neurotic need to be admired and "adored." Perhaps because of their own neurotic turmoil that is present in their life, they look to this vulnerable teen as their own way out of their dismal crisis. The teacher and teen may then fantasies and they create a relationship built on psychopathological needs.

If the teen is especially a moderate or sub-dominate individual, she will be more highly susceptible to the influence of a more dominate and charismatic "leader." The result may lead to tragic consequences for all.

Stressed-out Parents!

Here is what I had to say to the Associated Press:

Parents of teens watch Nebraska safe haven law

http://tinyurl.com/67gtvq

 "Parents are almost always blamed," said Dr. Norman Hoffman, a family therapist in Ormond Beach, Fla., and author of the book "Bad Children Can Happen to Good Parents."

 "It's like, `What did I do wrong?' But there's hope in every city and every state. It's just a matter of understanding the ways in which to work with the system. You have to fight, you have to scream and shout for services."

 Stressed-out parents with meager finances, little education or language barriers may have trouble navigating often complicated procedures and paperwork to seek help, either through government agencies or private organizations, Hoffman said. And shame may hold some of them back, allowing defiant, drug-using or otherwise troubled young people to spin out of control.

 

Yet Hoffman considers the notion of abandoning an older child under safe haven "barbaric" and "primitive" when free or low-cost treatment and intervention is available. Parents in a variety of life circumstances agreed."

 

Uncaring Children

Kids who give "nothing back" to their parents, in spite of being provided all of their
needs, love, affection, etc. should be considered "Uncaring Children." This is not to say however, that they can't be reached and changed. To get the child to change this uncaring behavior, the parents must first, change the playing field. The parents must get their "power" back and make the child experience "discomfort" while the parents "feel fine" or "comfortable." This task is easily accomplished by setting up clear and consistent objectives, i.e., take out the trash every Tuesday and Friday before 6:30PM. If the chore is not performed, the parents will enact the effective and powerful technique, as outlined in my book, "Over-correction." This technique is simple a catastrophic intelligent response to the child's lack of cooperation. The child must complete 5 chores while grounded in a twenty-four hour period. If the chores are not accomplished, the grounding continues until satisfactory completion.

Children Who Murder

In 1994 Eric Smith was 13 years old. He murdered a 4 year-old boy, Derrick Robie.

Smith grew up in a small town of 970 people in New York. It was reported that he was terribly bullied and teased, and had "no friends." He was found guilty of murder and was sentenced to the maximum of 9 years in prison.

Although there is a tremendous amount of controversy raised with regard to whether or not he has served enough time, or should serve more time, the real focus should be on the many "red flags" or "soft signs" that were screaming during his childhood.

It was obvious that he was horribly teased and bullied which resulted in his becoming a loner without any friends. He was observed by family members expressing a great deal of rage without any significant rationale for such behavior.

It is tragically sad, that if the family members of Eric Smith had the advantage of being able to identify and recognize his early "soft signs" of the "Uncaring Child Syndrome" and appropriate intervention was initiated, this horrific crime may have been prevented.

Advice for Parents of "Uncaring Children"

Kids who give "nothing back" to their parents, in spite of being provided all of their
needs, love, affection, etc. should be considered "Uncaring Children." This is not to say however, that they can't be reached and changed. To get the child to change this uncaring behavior, the parents must first, change the playing field. The parents must get their "power" back and make the child experience "discomfort" while the parents "feel fine" or "comfortable." This task is easily accomplished by setting up clear and consistent objectives, i.e., take out the trash every Tuesday and Friday before 6:30PM. If the chore is not performed, the parents will enact the effective and powerful technique, as outlined in my book, "Over-correction." This technique is a simple but catastrophic intelligent response to the child's lack of cooperation.

8-year-old charged with murdering father and renter

I am looking forward to learning about what the psychological evaluation of this minor child reveals. The results should be most enlightening!

8-Year-Old Charged with Pre-Meditated Murder in Double Homicide (St. Johns, Arizona)

It is my contention that in spite of the initial statements from school and church, there will most probably be evidence of either early soft-signs that were overlooked or the potential of sexual or physical abuse in the history of this child.

Although 8 year old children don't have the same capacity of adults with regard to murder or death, most "normal" children don't go around "experimenting" with guns, plan the event and purposely discharge weapon that cause death. There is of course the accidental or careless discharge of weapons that cause harm or even death, but from the reports thus far, it appears that this was a "premeditated" event.

Most "good parents" are very much aware of early troublesome signs; however, they are not usually cognizant of those "soft signs" that may lead to later problematic or even dangerous  behavior as they develop.